Yes, that’s right. The Chinese New Year just happened this Monday, February 8th, and I’m sure it caught you all by surprise.
Whatever shall we do, am I a monkey or am I beetle? How am I such a fool for not knowing?
Well guess what? THERE IS NO BEETLE. That’s how foolish you are.
Psh whatever, I don’t care anyway. What does some silly Chinese Zodiac mean to me?
That’s simple, it means everything. Every. Little. Thing. Thank Goodness I caught you in time before you made a fatal misstep or didn’t align your chi properly to accrue fortune and happiness. Consider me your Spirit Guide. Your white, 20-something, never-been-to-China-but-loves-Chinese-Food spirit guide. Now that I’ve captured your full trust and devotion, let’s begin shall we?
So what is the Chinese Zodiac anyway? Well, each year on the Chinese calendar is represented by an animal. There are 12 animals and they just repeat endlessly in a beautiful cycle. A Chinese year is right around the same length as a Western Gregorian year. It typically ends around the end of January and begins about a week or so into February, give or take a couple weeks. If you were born in 1977, for instance, then guess what you slithering little reptile? You’re probably a snake! And if you were born in 1978, well I’m so sorry because you’re just a boring ol’ horse. As your all-knowing Spirit Guide, I’m here to tell you exactly what your animal sign means and how to cope with all the fortunes and misfortunes that 2016 will bring you.
So let’s start with 2016: The Year of the MONKEY!
Past Years: 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968
AWWWWWWWWWW YEAAAAA BUDDDDDDYY! If you woke up Monday morning and felt like the King or Queen of the world, it’s cause I snuck into your home and straight up coronated your ass! Welcome to your year! You have approximately 350 days left to be a pure force of awesome in the world. Everything will go your way. I heard Stephen Spielberg is directing the next “Planet of the Apes” movie and he wants you to be the star. I heard you were the inspiration for Donkey Kong. I heard that Koko the famous signing gorilla‘s life goal was to meet you. The world is your jungle, swing away little one, and don’t forget to eat some bananas because potassium is good for you.
The Year of the GOAT!
Past Years: 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967
Sorry, Goats, your year has come and gone. Back to the fields with you. No seriously, get on Google Maps, find the nearest patch of grass, go there, and just start grazing. This is a ritual I like to call the “De-Goating.” Yes it’s totally serious and legit. No you’re not going to look foolish and despite the camera I’ll have pointed at you, I WILL NOT upload these photos to Facebook and tag you as “Grasshole.” I promise. Anyway, back to your guide. Be wary of strangers this year for they will take you for a fool and attempt to deceive you. I’m not really sure how to interpret that for you so just let it sink in however you’d like.
The Year of the HORSE!
Past Years: 2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966
Give me a moment here, my throat is feeling a little hoarse! HAH, do you get it? I certainly hope you do because this year you will be overburdened by terrible puns. Neighly everywhere you look people will feel compelled to come up to you and say “hay, wanna hear a pun?” You horses, though, you’re a resilient bunch. You’ll last most of the year before insanity grips you. You’ll deflect those puns for a while with a good-natured “quit foaling around.” You won’t last forever, though. Friends and family will be concerned about you. You’ll dodge them as best as you can because you know they’ll just ask you “why so saddle?” Hang in there, this will be a long year for you, just like your face.
The Year of the SNAKE!
Past Years: 2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965
Alright all you danger noodlesss, lisssten closssely. Thisss year will be mossst fortuitousss for you. Four good thingsss are going to happen to you thisss year. The firssst is that you will find twenty dollarsss sssomewhere, probably in your friend’sss wallet. Keep it, you earned it. The sssecond is that you won’t ever get sssick this year. Third, you will ssshed your ssskin and grow ssshiny ssshimmery ssscales that will protect you from birdsss and rocksss and ssstuff. Finally, you’ll get a killer tax return. Woo!
The Year of the DRAGON!
Past Years: 2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964
I hope the monkeys all stopped reading by this point because guess what dragons? THIS IS YOUR YEAR! Really though, which year doesn’t belong to the freaking dragon? If the Chinese Zodiac were a large-scale game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors,” Dragons would beat everything. Go skydiving, win the lottery, do whatever. Just keep doing what you’re doing you beautiful fire-breathing badass.
The Year of the RABBIT!
Past Years: 2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963
The attribute of the Rabbit is caution. “Caution without valor leads to cowardice.” I know your first interpretation of this is that you should not take risks this year but thank Buddha you have your spirit guide here because it actually means the exact opposite. This year is risk-taking year for all of the Thumpers and Humpers in the audience. After all, you don’t want to be a coward do you? It’s time to spend your life-savings on lottery tickets, re-enact that hilarious little trick from the movie The Walk, eat any mushrooms you find in the forest, and don’t worry about brushing your teeth! The meek shall inherit the Earth, but only after the Rabbits are done with it!
The Year of the TIGER!
Past Years: 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962
This is the year to earn your stripes! You may not know this but each animal of the Zodiac represents one side of the Yin and Yang based on the number of toes on their limbs. Tigers have 5 toes on their forefeet, an odd number, which means they are classified as Yang. This absolutely will not do. You’ll need to chop off a digit on your hands or feet until you’re a fully fledged member of the Yin tribe and then you’ll need to rub shoulders with the Big Yins of the world. I’m talking the Oxen, Snakes, and Pigs. Once you’ve infiltrated their ranks and climbed the ladder to success, you’ll have earned your stripes. High-five! Errr, I mean, four.
The Year of the OX!
Past Years: 2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961
Ah, the sturdy, dependable Ox. You guys got me through many an obstacle in Oregon Trail so I’m going to pull some Spirit Guide strings and get you all some nice perks this year. Seeing as it is the Year of the Monkey, you get one special “Monkey off my Back” voucher. You can use this any time a person who is a Monkey is just being a proper pain in the ass and you just want them to go away. Monkeys can get a little frivolous during their years and their numbers need thinning anyway. Next, you can “Be a Dragon for a Day.” To use this you’ll just need to eat a couple of ghost peppers in the morning and the effects of being a dragon will become apparent for the rest of the day! Nice! Lastly, I’ve stockpiled your medicine cabinet with Dysentery medication since we both know how big of a problem that was on ye ol’ trail! Have a good year, Oxen!
The Year of the RAT!
Past Years: 2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960
Rats are considered quite special in the Chinese Zodiac. Why? Well it’s because they have 4 toes on their front limbs and 5 toes on their back. As our Tiger friends know well, the number of toes on each limb determines your characteristic of being Yin or Yang. So what is the Rat? Good question, studious rodent. The rat qualifies as both and is held in high regard for its rarity and symbolism as a pinnacle of balance. The rat’s attribute is that of Wisdom. Wisdom and Balance. Balance and Wisdom. Of course, all of this is wrong when it comes to you guys. You’re all just classic sleezeball Rats. Snitches get stitches, punks. So keep your mouth shut about whatever it is you’re up to this year.
The Year of the PIG!
Past Years: 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971
Have you ever heard the expression “Pearls Before Swine?” It’s a biblical expression that is meant to teach the lesson to not squander what it is that you hold valuable. This year, though, we’re going by the motto Swine Before Pearls, and Everything Else Except Monkeys and Dragons. Welcome to third place, squealie! It’s not the top of the pyramid but it’s still a long way down and you’re probably afraid of heights. Enjoy this year as best as you can because you’re proximity to greatness is the greatest its ever been and probably ever will be. Sick of playing second fiddle? Well, you’re a pig and second fiddle’s not all that bad! Going up for that promotion? Eh why bother when Jones probably deserves it more than you? Did that lady just cut you in line at the bank? Well it’s time to huff and puff and calmly do nothing! Welcome to slightly above mediocre, Pig. Enjoy your stay.
The Year of the DOG!
Past Years: 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970
WHoO’s A GOOooD Boy!?!? YOUu ARE. YoOU! ARE! Are you gonna get the ball? ARE YOU?! Get the BALLlLll! GET THE BALL, GET BALL, GET GET BALL. Oh my god oh dear lord, oh my god this year is going to be so exciting for you and you’ll simply never understand why. Filled to capacity with energy and excitement, nothing about this year will get you down. You will be capable of intense singular focus and extreme subservience. Each meal you eat will give you the kind of satisfaction you thought was only possible with a Doctor’s prescription, You’ll eagerly and literally jump at the chance to help others and people will generally love being around you. All in all, this should be a good year….with one exception. Every time you use the bathroom you will require direct, unwavering, soul-piercing eye contact with your best friend. Things will likely never be the same going forward.
The Year of the ROOSTER!
Past Years: 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969
Hey Rooster, guess what. In approximately 350 days, it’s your time to shine. That’s right. 2017 is the year of the Rooster and all you’ve gotta do is roost till then. The Rooster’s main attribute is being constant, lying in wait, waiting for their chance to strike. Just sort of sitting there and waiting. That’s what your best at and that’s what you’ll do. The clock’s a tickin’ and you’re a’ cock-a-doodle-doing nothing. Which came first, the Rooster or the egg? Well probably the egg cause you waited for it like a good little Rooster. You’ve got eyes like a hawk, a beak like a hawk, talons like a hawk. Too bad you’re not a hawk. Just a rooster, doing boring rooster things. Remind me to sleep through 2017.
It’s 2016: The Year of the Monkey. Hopefully with my guidance, foresight, and wisdom, you can navigate this year like a pro and come out on top.
Brendan has been involved in the world of comedy since performing in his college Improv troupe ‘None of The Above.’ Since then, he has shared his comedic wit with this world by writing sketch comedy, dabbling in standup, and contributing to online comedy articles. He loves to make others laugh.